What’s worse than being a Mascot? How about being a Mascot no one’s ever heard of. Mickey Mouse? Bugs Bunny? Sure. Mr. Ice Blended? Who the hell is that? Chris is one step above “dancing cell phone guy”.
I mean, we all know that girl who strips to “pay her way through college”. But at least that girl has the dignity to take off her clothes when she dances in front of complete strangers. She doesn’t hide her face behind a ginormous milk shake suit...well, she probably would, if you paid her enough...but that’s not my point.
I forgot my point...
Anyway, someone asked me, “are there any Mascots you wouldn’t ever screw with?” And you know what? That’s a great question. So without further ado...
A list of 5 Mascot’s we wouldn’t ever fuck with.
#1) The San Diego Chicken - “619, where ya at?”
Without a doubt the baddest Mascot ever, AND arguably the greatest chicken of all time. Go ahead, try to name a better chicken. You can’t, can you?
#2) McGruff the Crime Dawg! - “Take a bite...outta crime”
Okay, this one should be fairly obvious. McGruff is a bad ass. If my father ever taught me anything, it was to never, under any circumstances, screw with a giant talking dog wearing a trench coat! Why? Because you never know what’s he’s got under that coat! He could have nun-chucks! Thanks dad!
#3) Grimace
This guy rules. Technically not even a Mascot - he’s a sidekick to a Mascot (which in it’s own way is very sad). He’s Dom Deluise to Ronald’s McDonald’s Burt Reynolds. But this weight-challenged, purple right-hand man, has always been the heart and soul of Mickey D’s Land! Plus clowns are friggin’ creepy and Ronald is one of the creepiest. (**side note - Yes, Hamburglar is pretty cool, heck, he’s served time - which is hardcore. However, the fact that he would steal my cheeseburgers if given the chance, knocks him from contention. Sorry dude, you touch my double-chee - you die.)
#4) The Fruit of A Loom Guys
First of all there’s like 4 of these dudes, so by mere numbers alone it wouldn’t be smart to mess with them fruits. Secondly, I spent my formative years with my junk cradled in the safe confines of their white cottony briefs, and though I’ve long since shed the tighties for boxers - that’s a bond that can never be broken. Even though, in retrospect, the thought of 4 middle aged men dressed as fruits who live in my underwear is a bit disturbing.
#5) The Kool-Aid Man - “Oh Yeah!”
This guy runs through brick walls, no way would we step to him. Plus, for a giant pitcher filled with fruit punch, he’s one generous piece of glassware. Sure he might cause you thousands of dollars in property damage, but he’ll always offer you a delicious pitcher of 25 cent Kool-Aid in return. That’s nice.
MR. ICE BLENDED???